I feel like a babysitter

Today I feel like a babysitter. Not the mom, but a babysitter. I feel like I'm counting down the minutes until my relief gets home to take over, like a babysitter happy to have the real parents arrive home. Only I'm not getting paid.

I'm a bad mom today. You can go ahead and think I'm having a pity party. It's true, though. I stink. I've raised my voice way too many times, spanked my kid, and I feel like I've had enough. No patience is left within me for the nap resistance. Or anything else, for that matter.

You know how growing up you imagined the kind of parent you'd be? The type you wanted to be? I am no where close to being that parent. I'm a horrible mother. I love my child, but I am not enjoying my job, so to speak. And feeling that I am desperate for a break makes me feel bad, too. I love my kid-why do I want to get away from him? And compared to most of you, I sound pathetic. I only have one kid, and most of you have more than that.

I was happy to go to one car so we could have the money. We're always broke. But any time there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's turned off quickly. Whether it's a medical bill, gas prices-whatever, it's not a light that stays on. Not in my tunnel.
So this is the first time in months I've really missed having a car during the day. I am going stir-crazy inside. Possibly so is my son.

I hate it that money is needed for so many things. Especially since we never have any! I hate it even more that I've often thought "what have I done?" when looking at my life.

So I've posted all this here to the public. Yup, I'm a moron. I don't want to call family and chat w/ them. They may not get it, or I'd hear about how hard it was in their day. I know it was hard. It's just a day that's hard for me right now.