Friday, March 07, 2008

Why Women Are Crabby

Thanks to The Pumkin Patch for this one. ;) It's a perfect dose of Friday fun.

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have
Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole, and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex?" Yeah right. Bite me.


Sue said...

it's reasons such as these that I wish more girls would have kids later in life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I met this Asian woman at the play area in the mall last week & we just started talking & she was just loving her 1 yr. old little boy & asking about Jack. She told me she was 33 & her husband was 37. She asked how old I was when I had my first & I said 25. She said very nicely, "wow, that is so young." Amen to that!

Sharon said...

it's reasons such as these that I wish more girls would have kids later in life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Explain to me, again, how having kids later in life would take away these reasons listed?
After all, mother or not, your body will still go through many of these things.
Clarify for me so I understand!

Sharon said...

She said very nicely, "wow, that is so young."

Again, seems it's all a matter of perspective to me. Like with all things, I'm sure it depends on your hopes, plans, background, age of getting married, how many children you'd like, etc. How old was this woman when she got married?
I'm thinking right now, too, just how different the Asian culture is.

In my opinion, I think it's just the same appeal to have your children, kind of get it done and over with, and still be young enough when they're adults to still enjoy life's things you did when younger, too. (like Joe & Tina). How is that not appealing? I don't want having kids to be an end in my life. Rather, I think having kids should be a PART of it, but definitely not a final phase.
Just my thoughts.

Sue said...

obviously my comment doesn't apply to ALL women but a lot, I will argue that to my death! I never said having kids ends ones' life but it permanently changes it. As Valerie Bertinelli said on Oprah, "I was stupid in my 20's". So was I !!!! I got married without health insurance, no steady job & not a penny in the bank. Was I ready to become a mother 2 yrs. later? No Way.

Greg said...


Mattresses between the legs and tubular cotton rods?? I don't get it.

Seriously though, I thought that was a great read.

Kate said...

Gave me a laugh--thanks for that. As far as when to have kids--whole other story! All of my friends have had children in their 30's whereas I have had children in my 20's. I cannot imagine just starting to have kids when in mid-30's. I doubt there is ever the perfect time to have kids--you will never have enough money, enough time, or be unselfish enough, so no more better time than now. I cannot imagine life without my little man and little lady. If I had waited till the "right" time as society leads you to believe I would not have either of them. And believe it or not, we have more money, nicer cars and more material things since we have had children--maybe God's blessings???