Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Alone with My Thoughts

Aidan and Brennan are in bed, sound asleep. Looking angelic.
Patrick is in class.

I am here on the couch alone with my thoughts.
I am thinking that life truly is precious.

Every breath we take, though sometimes filled with stress, truly is a gift from God.
Do we deserve to be here?
No.
Not when you measure us up to God and the Saints.
But we are here, and we are precious to HIM, and hopefully with love, to each other.

My mother is precious to me.
Her life is precious. Her life gave me life.
Today she endured an 8-hour surgery, and praise God she's come out of it just fine. She is in a ton of pain right now, but she is alive. She is ok, and soon, will hopefully be better than OK.

My children are precious to me.
No matter how long they were a part of my life, they are precious to me. They teach me things, life lessons, even if I only knew of their existence for 24 hours.
Sadly, today we learned what I thought was a bad period is actually a pregnancy, but the baby seems to be struggling. The doctor believes I am miscarrying, but tomorrow we will know for sure.

It's not as bad as the last time.
It still hurts, though.

I don't understand why God has made this a part of my life.
I struggle to fight the thought that HE is trying to tell me I am not a good mother. After all, HE wouldn't give a baby to an unworthy person, now would HE?
I feel guilty for my family. There was excitement, and it's me, my body that isn't delivering. They show me nothing but love, but I feel like I am disappointing them.

Perhaps these are selfish thoughts.
I know I am blessed. God has given me an amazing husband, and 2 equally amazing little boys. Our life as a family of four is precious.
I know my mother's life is precious.

I am grateful for those things, but also shocked, abruptly, by how quickly this precious life can come to an end.

I want to say more "I love you's", I want to hug more, yell less, and appreciate the precious lives in my life.

God-willing.

4 comments:

Andrea said...

Prayers for you always! You are an amazing person and this post made me cry. It's hard.. many things in life are hard. God doesn't give us anything he knows we can't handle. We have no idea what his big plan is, no idea what is in store for you next, but you love HIM and striving and being a wonderful wife and mother. I wish I could take some of the sadness and carry it - I know far to well the feeling.

So glad your mother is doing well. You, Pat, the boys, the baby and your mother and family have all been in my thoughts and prayers all day. Love you and know I am always here for you if you need anything.

Love and Hugs. Andrea

Mandy said...

Sending prayers your way.

Bethany said...

First of all, you're making me cry. Secondly, I'm praying for you, and let me know if there's anything I can do. I am so glad to hear your mom is doing well- I was praying for both of you today. Here if you need me, Bethany

Hyperactive Lu said...

praying for you! do not feel bad- you are losing a child- you can be sad and upset! God knows your thankful heart but also your desire for more children... wish i could give you a hug! let us know how the appt goes....