We all make plans, right?
We plan, to a certain degree, our life.
I plan our weekly meals and post those each Monday. We plan to go to church every Sunday. We make bigger plans, too. For instance, when we got engaged we planned our wedding a year in advance. We also planned to work for such a length of time, and to have 5 children. (Yes, the year we were engaged, my husband and I thought we'd like 5 children). We planned the type of house we'd like to have that would be our permanent home. All of these plans are years in the making.
Two years ago we planned our second child. We were charting at the time, so we knew exactly when I was fertile. The time came, and a few weeks later we saw two lines for a positive pregnancy test. We were excited! Aidan was going to be a big brother. We were going to have our 2nd baby. At that time, we were hoping for a girl. We conceived in November, so it worked out perfectly to tell our families over Christmas, which we did. We had Aidan ready to share the news in his "I'm a Big Brother" shirt. Our due date was August 2006.
Well, as the saying goes, if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.
He sends us gentle reminders that He is in control. Through those reminders we learn (hopefully) that our lives will be best off if we seek His plans for us. He knows better, after all.
March 2006 we had a lesson in God being in control, once again. At that time we learned we had lost our 2nd baby. I miscarried. We were devastated. I was angry with God. I was hurt and crushed and resentful. WHY would he take something away from us like that? From us, a couple who was respecting His wishes on procreating, being open to life and trying to create a loving home?
Oh, I had every answer in the book. He was a mean God. He took the baby away because we didn't make enough money. That was my biggest answer. He also took the baby away because it was His way of letting me know I was not a good enough mother. He was punishing us for our sins. All of these were rational reasons to me at the time.
March 8, 2006, I had the baby at home and went to the hospital for the d&c to be completed. A few days later I was at my follow-up OB appointment.
I had the best doctor. Not only was he great at being an OB, but he was a practicing Catholic who shared our beliefs. He was an NFP only doctor, an actual practicing Catholic, and he even prayed with me. I felt more than comfortable with him.
At this appointment, he was trying to comfort me. He had explained all of the physical things. He explained that there was nothing wrong with me or my body. My uterus was still healthy. My ovaries were healthy, etc. The physical healing would take much less time than the emotional and mental healing. (Not to say a parent ever "gets over it" when it comes to having lost a child, not matter if it happens right after conception, or when they are a full grown adult) I will always miss my baby.
What my doctor went on to tell me was so important. At the time, I had no idea how significant it'd be to me, even to this day. He shared with me that he and his wife also suffered this loss, and they knew what I was going through. He told me that when we are pregnant again, and holding that healthy new baby in our arms, we'll look at that baby and know that he wouldn't be here as he is if not for losing this baby when we did. He assured me God is in control, called this soul Home, and there would be peace in time.
Sure enough, he was right. Speaking from faith and experience, he gave me something to hold on to.
Back to God's sense of humor...
We lost the baby in March. That following August we found out we were expecting, again! Here is the humorous aspect to it: I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd baby the same very month and time I was due (originally) to have our 2nd. It was around the baby's due date that we lost! I don't think that was just coincidence. I think it was God.
So here we are the end of August, once again. I could have had a one year old this month! That 2nd baby of ours would have been one here on earth.
Instead, I have Aidan, who turned 3 in April, and Brennan, who is going on 5 months already.
And yes, when we held Brennan for the first time, there were so many joyous tears. Tears of relief, too. I did feel this particular sense of peace. Holding him, I knew that with the timing of losing our 2nd baby, that was the only way Brennan came to us when he did. Our 2nd baby was a part of Brennan's timing. God helped us out, and in my heart, I know our little one in heaven did, too.
God timed this miracle for us. As I grew sad close to my should-have-been due date, God flooded our hearts with joy at the news of a new baby for our family. This time around, we had our own little angel in heaven to help us.
HIS timing for a miracle...the best timing. I am so grateful.
originally posted August 29, 2007