One Year Later

February 23...today marks one year since we lost our 4th baby, Lillian Hope.
The coincidence of such timing.
It was also one year ago my mother had her major back surgery.

Here we are, one year later, my mother is up here helping me, and while we still are saddened to have lost Lillian Hope, we're holding our newest addition, Cillian Joseph. Nearly one year later exactly.
There is comfort in holding him, hope, peace.

God's timing never ceases to amaze me.

To Lillian I say, we love you, we miss you, and forever you're a part of our family.
Thank you for watching over your new baby brother, helping to bring him safely into this world.

A year ago I posted this song/video, each time listening to it, tears coming my way.

Now I post it, with a reflection of sadness, but also with a new spirit of hope. Rejoicing in God blessing me & my family.
Aidan, Dorothy Grace, Brennan, Lillian Hope, and now Cillian...each is a gift from God.

Grandparents Day

It's Grandparents Day at Aidan's school today.
I don't know who is more excited-him, or my in-laws. ;)

Both Marmar (Aidan's name for his paternal grandma, ever since he started talking) & Buppa are making the drive down here early this morning to participate. Aidan is a lucky kid!
They should be here in time to take him to school. First it's school Mass, then a reception after.
Aidan planned out the kids he wants to introduce them to, the art work he wants to show them, etc.
It's cute to see him so excited & enthusiastic about his "home away from home".

Speaking of grandparents....
We named the baby we just lost. I wasn't planning on it, but after some prompting from my dad, we did.
God does work in mysterious ways. When all of this was happening last week, Patrick actually had a dream that gave him peace about us having a girl. Baby #4, in his dream, was just that, so even though we don't know for sure, we went with a girl's name.
Ater his dream he had a strong feeling for the name Lily. I like the name, but wanted to know the meaning of it, first.
When looking it up, I learned it stems from "Lillian", which coincidentally is my grandmother's name (she passed when I was pregnant w/ Aidan).
I thought that was a faith-coincidence, so we agreed on naming our baby Lillian Hope. Not that it matters a ton, but it feels good to us. (I had been leaning towards Faith or Hope).

Lillian Hope is baby #4.
Partying up in heaven with Dorothy Grace (baby #2) and my grandmas, I'm sure.
Hopefully they're looking down on us and intervening. :)

**UPDATE** Waiting

UPDATE

Nurse called at 4:43. 

Today's blood draw showed my numbers went down.

Tomorrow brings another prick in the arm for more blood. 

I am exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. At this point, I wish I had never known & could have mistaken it for a period. Ignorance is bliss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm waiting.
I stink at waiting, too.

I'm waiting to hear back from the doctor to find out if my levels went up again. Did I mention 3 blood draws in 3 days is not fun? Well, it's not. Thankfully the last 2 days my veins weren't rolling. (gross)

We'll see if my numbers went up again. Then take it from there.

Meanwhile, I've been indulging in some emotional eating. I realize I'll regret it later, but it's pleasing my taste buds for now.

Some of this:

and this:

and let's not forget a favorite:

Tonight Diet Pepsi and Criminal Minds will entertain me until I can exercise again. 

If you're feeling particularly entertaining today, shoot me an e-mail & give me something to read. ;)

Good News?

It's too early to tell, but since I already shared with you yesterday, I'm sharing again.

I went for another blood draw today.
The doctor yesterday was so sure the numbers (HCG levels, hormone detection for duration of pregnancy) would be less today. She had me leaving the visit yesterday with no hope. She had shown no hope. Heck, she didn't even recognize a loss.

But much to her surprise, my surprise--to all of us a pleasant surprise--my numbers went UP.
They didn't fully double like normal, but they did go up. This is a good sign.
It's still too early to tell, but this doctor might just be wrong. There may be a baby growing, surviving in there.

Tomorrow morning I go for another blood draw. By 4:00 I should hear from the doctor, finding out if my numbers went up again or not. If not, that's not so great. If so, I may be in luck. ;)

When I move around, there is more to notice signs of potential problems. When I rest, especially when i keep my feet up, those signs practically come to a hault. Though I wasn't put on bed rest, I'm resting extra.

Thank you for your prayers. We're in a period of limbo playing the waiting game. It stinks, but it's where we are right now.
I have a glimmer of hope. Your thoughts & prayers are awesome and I so appreciate it. Thank you.