This article caught my attention.
Not that I feel threatened in my marriage-I don't. I'm just always curious what these "experts" would suggest.
The 10 Ways:
1. Get Married After About Two Years of Courtship
2.Rethink Living Together
3. Wait until you are a little older to marry
4. Talk about the big issues before you get married
5. You can argue, just don't let it turn into WW III
6. Do stuff together
7. Share the chores
8. Be as polite to each other as you are to strangers
9. Have issues? Get help!
10. Marry someone who wants to be married
After reading the list, I can say I agree with just about every single tip. And I almost hate to admit it, but it look like my dad was right. ;) He always said many of these things. I didn't want to hear it because he's DAD, but he and my mom have been married for nearly 50 years now. I guess they're doing something right.
What I most surprised, yet satisfied, to see on the list was #2: Rethink Living Together.
I am so glad that was included. It seems like those who don't live together before marriage are the odd ones out, and at times it can feel black sheepish. Obviously it is usually a good choice, though. I wish more people would accept this for the truth that it is. Not that it's easy, but most good things in life don't start off easy.
Some of the others just seemed like "duh" to me, like marrying someone who wants to get married. Generally speaking I agree with the age statement, too, but in regards to that, I think it more depends on the person and their maturity level, life experiences, and recognizing what they truly want in life.
One thing is for sure: Many joke or act that life ends when you get married. I really think it's the opposite. It's an incredible beginning that never ends. What you gain far outweighs what you give up.
11 comments:
Sharon! I too find these lists and stats interesting.. not because I feel threatened either but because the divorce rate is absolutely crazy. Kurt and I started dating when I was just 19 and we got married when I was 22.. I agree with what you said depending on your maturity and the person. Kurt and I flex together I like to say and I think being "non-selfish" people really help. Not that we're perfect but if you have one person who doesn't want to bend then it's not going to work. Ooopps.. got off there a bit. The living together thing just makes me crazy. My bil g/f and I always get into this (they live together) because she has all these reason why she had to live with all these different men. First off, if you don't throw sex in there on your first date (I think you should wait until you get married of course) but anyway, you're not going to have nearly the problems. If you're having sex and then you're trying to live together when you hardly know eachother that's going to get into the way. You can't throw intimate with hardly knowing someone and expect it to work out. Thanks for sharing and sorry, I'll quit now I could go on and on.
Ooh! Its a good day for you to post on this subject! I just had a HUGE conversation with my sister, who is having a big case of cold feet after buying a house with Michael, beginning to work full time, and moving in together. This is a blog post in and of itself, but I'll try to keep this as short as possible.
She was saying basically that she's in love with Michael, wanting to be with him and all, but having those thoughts of "We've been dating since we were 15 and we've never really been with anyone else..." She also said that her friends from work (red flag!!!) were telling her that they thought she and Michael should be more passionate about each other....
(They don't have sex or even make out, really--just to put that out there. I tried to tell her that moving in with someone before you marry them doesn't give you a picture of what marriage will be like, nor do you "need" to do that to test the waters--It just means that life doesn't really change after you come home from the honeymoon--you just go back to what you were doing before you left. I told her that her friend are idiots and that when you've been with someone for four years, there's a different kind of passion, not necessarily the kind that makes you want to make out with someone all the time.
I also told her that a passionate boyfriend--one you DO want to make out with 24/7 doesn't necessarily make a good husband. You can be as passionate as passionate can be, but will he be a good father? Be there for you no matter what? Love you no matter what you look like? Keep a steady paycheck coming to cover the bills? Take care of those very personal and embarrassing moments without thinking twice? You can live with a boyfriend all you want, but he will never be a husband.
Sometimes I wonder in the very back of my mind on a bad day with Andy, what it would be like with someone else and the result at the end is always the same---Marriage is hard--We've always heard that. Crap is going to happen. Fights are going to happen. Things are going to feel less-than-fresh at one point or another (sometimes more frequently that we like!)The important thing is that at the end of the day we have one goal in common--Being MARRIED and being PARENTS together.
So, I like the list, but I'd add in some details and do some tweaking. Look for Mr. Right and don't settle for Mr. Good-Enough...but DO make sure he's the kind of guy to clean you up when you crap your pants (sorry, but after giving birth, this actually happened to me--it has sadly enough become a point of reference for me--LOL!). Marriage is not all roses and sunshine--You have to love the other person enough to work through the tough stuff...
Dang it--This is tooooo long! I'll stop now--I just had all of this on the brain already!! :o)
Thanks for posting
Oh, and to answer the rest, Andy and I only dated for about eight months before getting engaged--and we got married (just before I turned 24/just before he turned 25) seven months later :o)
I'm glad they put #3. Amen to that one.
Ooh! One more thing: I love "Have issues? Get help!" Andy and I have a less than perfect marriage (not BAD by any stretch of the imagination--We just have to work harder than some other people)--Help is the way to go! If you can't figure it out for yourself, then get counseling--Or just talk to someone more experienced. Nip the problems in the bud before they get too big to handle :o) We don't go to counseling, but I'd love to--We really loved the pre-marital counseling--It really got us talking!
Sue,
I knew that one would the one you point out. ;)
Btw, the article mentioned 25 as an older age, but not the PERFECT age, just to throw that in.
Personally, I know plenty of 25 year olds who act and seem more like teenagers, and I know a few 19 yos who are more mature than some 25 yo.
Good thing the right time to get married is different for everyone!
You can live with a boyfriend all you want, but he will never be a husband.
So true.
As for the passionate comments her co-workers made, I wonder how long they've been in their current relationships. I'll bet it's not as long nor as good as Nancy's w/ her fiance.
I think back to the guy I dated in high school. We were morons and thought there was so much "passion". I don't know what it really was beyond hormones, but from day one my instinct told me I would never marry this guy. Looking back, in a way I wasted a good 2.5 years with that guy!
He was a good boyfriend, but as you said, boyfriend duties and husband duties are very different.
**Just wanna throw in here: I'm not trying to sound righteous in focusing on this point. I'm simply most pleased this particular point was on the list.
I've definitely done my fair share of mistakes and things that could add negatively to the list.
I do not think any of these suggestions will "divorce-proof" anyone's marriage. The real cause of divorce, from what I know, is more financial, not social. My parents lived together months before they were married and have remained married without any problems for almost 20 years. Just the notion that "living together" is a main cause of divorce is ridiculous. Religious people always seem to have this mindset that their values are superior. Maybe if you truly wanted to keep your marriage going you would figure out how to spend money. Several people I know who's parents are divorced say the cause of their parents' failed marriage was money. They would constantly fight over what to spend money on, whether or not they should have more children (because more chidren = more spending), whether or not they should move to a "better" neighborhood, etc.
Ironically, most of these people's parents were religious, mostly Christians.
Julia--I think that's what Sharon meant by saying usually she doesn't put much stock into these things--None is perfect. None can help everyone. Its just a basic little list of things that are obvious to some, not so obvious to others. Its all arguable, even the money issue. Always good to hear everyone's perspectives on these issues. Good discussion.
Julia,
You're right. There IS no full-proof plan.
Keep in mind, however, that there IS much research to back many of these points. I think living together before the ultimate commitment is made triggers like a domino effect..which COULD (and often does) lead to other problems. It kind of makes a mountain out of a molehill.
I'm so happy to hear your parents are still happily married. Unfortunately, I know both sides-people who did and did not live together first, still ending in divorce.
if you truly wanted to keep your marriage going you would figure out how to spend money
I'm sorry, with all due respect, that seems like an immature thing to write, especially if you've never been married nor shared a joint account. In your defense, I thought money was pretty black & white, too, at the age of 19.
I think that's a good thing most people don't marry at your age-there is much to learn. Not that you're not smart-I'm sure you are. Usually "money" problems go much further, too, like what each person values and views as a priority. THAT should be heavily discussed before getting married.
The religious comment, to be honest, was insulting. But hey, I've been insulted on my own blog before, so I can handle that.
I don't think "religious" people are trying to say they're righteous and never wrong. I WILL say that there is something to following rules created by a much higher good. People can choose to believe in God or not, but that won't change the fact that He exists.
And yes, I do believe God's values are superior.
What guides your values?
Julia said: Religious people always seem to have this mindset that their values are superior.
That's kind of what religion is, a set of moral values that people strive to live in their daily lives and do so as a community. (in a non threatening way)
I don't see how religion ties into living together being a contributor to the higher divorce rates? All religious points aside, living together is basically marriage with an easy out. That mindset (believe it or not) will stay with you when "all you do" is change your title from unmarried to married.
Marriage truly is something special, religious viewpoints or not. To live together before marriage is to treat something special as something "not so special" and therefore cheapen it into something not worth working for.
Julia--If you're still checking in for comments, you should check out this website--This girl is absolutely amazing and describes things like this much, much better than I ever could--I just found her blog online and I am addicted--She has helped me so much:
http://www.conversiondiary.com/
Not that you "need" anything to be taught to you--I just think she'd make sense to you--she writes a lot of things like what you wrote---Check out her story on the left side of the posts--Two parts, I think :o)
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