Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Your Hands

This song instantly puts a lump in my throat.
A good lump. A sad lump. Both.

I first heard this song on KLOVE right around the time we learned of our 2nd miscarriage.
I hadn't heard it in a while, but I did the other day.

And suddenly I remembered...I guess what really happened is I realized I had stopped thinking about baby #4. About Lillian Hope.

**I'm not trying to dwell. Fact is fact. Some people choose to forget or not think about it (when this happens to them), and some may think I'm being negative, or even going for attention. If you are one of those people, stop reading now and leave my blog. I don't need to be hurt.
This is my space, to clear my thoughts, to remember, to vent, share, and heal. **

I've had so many reminders lately, though. I don't know how to interpret it.
I've seen wonderful things that made me think "baby".
Yesterday another niece was born, and any day now, my brother-in-law & sister-in-law are expecting the birth of their first baby.

I am so excited for them. I truly am.

It also made me realize that maybe I do still want another baby.
Had our pregnancy not ended in miscarriage, I'd be 3 months along now.

I felt so ready to try for a baby over Christmas, but then it all was yanked away from me.
Despite what people say or tell me, the thought does cross my mind that God did that for a reason, and I fear that reason is because I'm not the mother HE wants me to be.
I don't deserve my children. They are beautiful, precious, sweet little people. They deserve the best, and on this earth, I can never be the best. But I try.

The upheaval made me feel "fine, I'm ok with 2 kids". And maybe I am.
But this week, after hearing this song, watching families grow in numbers and love, watching my boys grow and play together, I do desire more.

It's scary. It hurts. I know my body too well to blindly go into this.
I know when I could get pregnant and not, without giving any thought to it.
I am grateful for that knowledge, but it also robs me from the ability to just let go.

Wouldn't it just be easier if we could have a face-to-face with God? I could ask Him what I'm meant to do.
I could admit that hormones may be contributing to this (& of course ask Him why he had to play hormones in our lives as women!)
I know I'm still emotional from a fall-out with a family member. I'm hurt. That person knows it. It is what it is. It takes time to get over hearing words that someone you felt close with has a long list of wrong things you did with your life. (at least in their own opinion).

Emotions aside, great things are happening around me. My extended family is growing. I am thrilled for my brother & his family, and for Pat's brother & his family.
I love the family I do have.

Our life is always in HIS hands, right?
Our hearts break. He heals.
He changes us. Holds us.
My world may be shaking at times, like sung about in the song, But Heaven stands.


Amy said...

I love that song, it's so beautiful. In fact when I saw you had posted it I clicked through my reader to listen to it. :)

I don't have any words of wisdom, just a cyber ::hug::.

Mandy said...


Hyperactive Lu said...

Lots of hugs and prayers being sent your way. I wish I had wise words that would erase all the pain, but I just don't... Tons of hugs to a sweet blogging friend!

Anonymous said...

A liar is not believed when he speaks the truth. ....................................................

Lisa said...

It takes a lot of courage to face the pain as you have done. But, you are better off facing it then ignoring it. If you ignore it, it builds and doesn't go away. Know that your children are waiting for you in heaven. A short story--my mom passed away in '99. I had a dream one night that she was sitting in a rocking chair holding a small infant. I didn't know who the child was. The next day, I found out that my niece had miscarried that night. Who's in heaven with your children?