Because no matter what the number on the scale shows, I will always feel the "me" from the above picture, with all the extra weight.
You don't forget how it feels to be uncomfortable in your own skin.
You don't forget the way it feels to have your pants restricting your breathing when you bend over.
You don't forget the way it feels to be hopeful when grabbing a size 12 in the dressing room, only to find it's not worth the squeezing required to wear the clothing.
You don't forget feeling like the fat one, feeling not-pretty, and self-conscious at all times.
No matter what the number on the scale shows, at least for me, the fat-Sharon that once was, always resides in a place within me.
When I watch The Biggest Loser, I can really relate to the contestants.
Grant it, I was never so morbidly obese.
But it doesn't take morbidly obese.
On the show, you see Jillian & Bob "counseling" the contestants to learn what triggered their weight issues. Most of the time, it's not solely a physical problem (can't always blame the thyroid!).
For me, most of my weight packed on following my miscarriage in March 2006.
I was 16 weeks along, it was completely unexpected, and I was an emotional mess.
(the picture above is me one month after the miscarriage, at my friend's wedding)
I turned to raw cookie dough, fast food, and ice cream.
I was depressed.
Money was tight, too, which didn't help any.
I felt I lost control of my life.
I was sinking financially.
I was dealing with a 2 year old living up to the "terrible twos".
I was living in MI blocks away from my in-laws, yet 12 HOURS away from my own family.
I am a planner. I like control. I like to know what will happen, when.
I'm not huge on surprises.
So when life goes according to another plan, it's quite the curveball.
Before I ever watched The Biggest Loser, I had tried the 30 Day Shred (Jillian Michaels).
That, combined with Weight Watchers, helped me achieve my goal weight.
Actually, my goal weight, and I went on to lose an additional 14 pounds.
I also fell in love with The Biggest Loser's Last Chance Workout. I miss it & can't wait to start it again after this baby is born.
My weight was down to 124 this past May. I had not seen 124 since before my wedding. (I was 126 when I got married). I was more toned than I think I was even while dancing in high school.
I have a picture of my stomach, but I'm not sure I want to share it. (some of you have seen it). But even to my surprise, in the picture, you see stomach muscles. Definition. Awesome.
Shopping for clothes was fun again.
Wearing shorts was comfortable.
I didn't sweat just putting on a swimsuit in public.
I walked in the neighborhood without people thinking "there goes the fat girl".
You don't forget how all of that feels, either.
Now I'm nearly 20 weeks pregnant.
While this baby was deliberately planned for, etc., it goes without saying I've put on weight.
And before you say it, it is NOT all baby weight.
I've started eating like the old-Sharon, and I don't know why.
Well, I actually do think I know why.
Morning sickness came the end of June, lasted until recently, and my energy vanished. I started sleeping more. And I could only eat carbs.
My diet drastically changed.
I lost control.
I lost control of what I could eat, because my normal lunches before, made me sick.
I lost control of my own body, for the sake of growing another human. It's worth, it YES.
But deep down, I don't think I'll feel control again until I am no longer pregnant.
This was me this past June:
Do you see a difference from the 1st picture?
I'm still no beauty queen or anything, but I do think the weight difference is noticeable.
I aim to get back there.
I go through spurts of trying to resume my healthy eating habits and exercise, but my stomach and energy don't always cooperate.
I watch The Biggest Loser, and nearly every episode I cry with the contestants.
I was never that big, but mentally I've felt that big, and even though I'm pregnant, I feel that big again.
I hang on to their transformations, and try to keep my own in mind.
That's why I watch The Biggest Loser.
Lastly, for anyone who thinks it was easy for me to tone up or lose weight, or who says I don't have the place to speak as I do, look at that 1st picture again.
It was never easy for me.
I had to build up my stamina to walk & use weights.
I had to plan for healthy meals & force myself into liking veggies, etc.
Heck, I had to train myself to drink WATER.
Easy does not describe it for me.
Not before, and I'm sure not when i start back again.
Worth it, though?