Six Years...Love You, Little Girl

Today is the 6th anniversary of when we lost our 2nd baby, Dorothy Grace.
We affectionately call her "Little Dottie".

You can read my past posts about her here, the story of what happened here.

I don't want to feel sad today.
That doesn't mean that I don't, nor does it mean there's no crying.
But I want to think of the positive: our baby is in heaven.

I just keep thinking of what the doctor so wisely told me: Our baby going to heaven when she did would later allow another baby to be here. It's so true.
Brennan is here now, and I have no doubt Little Dottie helped make that happen. Even with his rough pregnancy.
I truly believe she is with God, and she watches over us. Certainly her brothers benefit from her protection. ;)

I miss her. Some days the moments I feel, the intensity of which I feel myself missing her, it catches me off guard. I dare even feel sometimes that to feel that way something must be wrong with me.
But she is my baby. My little girl not on earth.
We miss her. We love her so very much, and her brothers do know about her.
We pray for Little Dottie each night during bedtime prayers.

We didn't bury Little Dottie.
We opted for our wonderful, faithful Catholic doctor to test her so we could have an answer. While that information is invaluable, I do regret not providing a funeral for her. Even if it was just at our own home, privately. We were renters then, and really had no place to offer that for her. That influenced our decision.
Though we can't change what we did, I would like to get something like this to have as a memorial for her at our home. For Little Dottie and for Lillian Hope, too.

I can't believe it's been 6 years. 

We still miss you, Little Dottie.

We love so so much. I hope you're having a blast in heaven, getting to know our family and friends who join you up there. 

I can't wait to meet you one day. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

Until then, keep looking after us, and know that I think about you every single day.

One Year Later

February 23...today marks one year since we lost our 4th baby, Lillian Hope.
The coincidence of such timing.
It was also one year ago my mother had her major back surgery.

Here we are, one year later, my mother is up here helping me, and while we still are saddened to have lost Lillian Hope, we're holding our newest addition, Cillian Joseph. Nearly one year later exactly.
There is comfort in holding him, hope, peace.

God's timing never ceases to amaze me.

To Lillian I say, we love you, we miss you, and forever you're a part of our family.
Thank you for watching over your new baby brother, helping to bring him safely into this world.

A year ago I posted this song/video, each time listening to it, tears coming my way.

Now I post it, with a reflection of sadness, but also with a new spirit of hope. Rejoicing in God blessing me & my family.
Aidan, Dorothy Grace, Brennan, Lillian Hope, and now Cillian...each is a gift from God.

Sharing With Tears

This poem was passed along from my pregnancy & parenting after loss group.

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not
theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

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